It’s over. . .for now

Now here comes EOS 3.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ash is fully aware that she’s lost it.

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

See? 

"I’ve been crying, oh-so long,"

“Sucking too hard on your lollipop, oh love’s gonna get you down,”

I love Mika.

Yes. His songs are amazing.

I rediscovered his album. Almost all of the songs are good and it is rare that one can find an album where you like all the songs.

“Mama told me what I gotta know, too much candy gonna rot your soul,” 

Summatives are tomorrow. . .oh gods. I have to do my last recap session. Go through my leukemias, remember what the portal vein consists of -left gastric, splenic and superior mesenteric vein, gah! - and a whole bunch of stuff. 

Wish me luck yall. May the gods be with us.

*cries* 

Hmm

So why is it that this blog gets so many hits and views and yet no one actually comments?

I’d love to hear what you readers think. It won’t take too much of your time. Negative or positive, all is welcome. I can deal with you guys.  

Secrets

“We used to be unseparable we couldn’t spend the nights away,”

 I guess this blog is always going to be a place for the most secret of my memoirs. I end up sharing a lot of what I cannot share with anyone in this world. About what I think, what I feel, things I might say that could hurt others, that could cause a cascade of events that might trigger undesirable effects. 

I guess there are some parts of you that you can just never share with anyone. I’ve always been on the search for that one person that I could. I guess if you can never find that in a person, it is in your angel or in God that that solace can be met. 

“Tell me how can I let it go,”

Today my mother divulged in me a past that I doubt I’d have had the strength for to get over. I demonstrated such strength when I was 19 but the thing is, I had no kids involved, a marriage, nothing like that. She had a failed marriage and 3 kids. It would have been worse for her.

Learning all these things about the adults in my family makes me a whole load wiser. It makes me tolerant of the lil things, like when my uncle gets mad at me for wanting to choose my university. I get to see how controlling he is. Yet being the bigger person always adds perspective. 

I think that after my exams, I’m gonna have to spend more time with him. He doesn’t want me to leave, that’s really all there is. I can see that and I suppose I’m supposed to cater to it rather than fight with it. I shall cater it to an extent but somehow, I’ve always known in me that I just have to leave. Not for good but for a little while at least, to get some perspective. 

The prospect of starting a life not here has always excited me. But even those 3 months away from home have taught me that I really do love my family. Despite their shortcomings, fallbacks, they have so many things other families don’t. My sister can be quite a bitch but in her own lil way, she has her loyalty that is unwaivering. She is weak but she isn’t a bad person. I suppoes the way to getting with people is to realise all these things and apply them. Maybe the trick is to realise all these things in people and to just live with it rather than have it changed. 

Sometimes I wish I could just keep the lid on my own thoughts so I wouldnt be too overwhelmed. 

How do I show my love for them yet still be able to maintain my own free will? 

I have to learn to be less emotional.  Maintain that one side of me that is me and yet still make them happy. Because I love them that much, yes. Life could have been harder for me but it isn’t. For that I should be grateful for. 

My poor mother tho paranoid and so illogical at times, not realising her own actions, she’s been through so much. Nothing I’d have liked to put anyone through. Not that kind of emotional torment. And my grandparents, they’ve seen a lot tho undoubtedly still behave like kids. My uncles and aunt are characters all on their own accord. Babumama being the funniest one of the lot, lol. I really love him. I do. In my own way tho he undoubtedly believes I’m a sell-out. 

It used to bother me a lot that he did. But somehow, I don’t think I am. I can’t be a sell-out for having my own mind, no?

So many mistakes I see them make, how I want to correct them. But who’s to say what I want to have done be the right way in going about things?

“Some hearts get all the right things,”

I realised, I want a companion that I can tell all this to. He doesn’t have to look beautiful or drive a huge car or be impressive in the eyes of everyone. If he can be the human being that we all strive to be, the image of an angel even, he could have a fatal disease and I’d still love him. I’d respect him for being the bigger person, for catering to me, for looking after me. Because sometimes, I want break. I really do. And I’d love to have it with this person who can sorta take over for me when need be. 

“You’re the last thing my heart expected . . .”

 I dunno how my mother did what she did. But talking to her today made me realise that there are so many things about me that I need to fix. And there are more experiences in my life to encounter. 

I hope, by grace of some sort, that all of it is something memorable to be learnt from and in a more positive way too.

Thank you for listening, dear blog of substantial heartfelt memoirs.  With this, I stop wallowing and I focus instead on what’s to come this Friday. With grace of some sort, you will help me get through this. Through these exams, through life.

“I’m ready to go,”

The Emo Blog

I’ve decided to use this blog for blogging about all the stuff folks don’t wanna read. My online diary of sorts. Stuff too personal gets locked away as private, only meant for my eyes and stuff I don’t mind sharing -because I don’t know who reads this stuff exactly- will go up here. Yes, all the sobby, emo, whining, ranty posts. If you hate it, go some place else ya buffoons.

You have been forewarned.

Well I guess the reason I need a private place to blog is because the other blog, The Tales of The Brown Woman is getting way too public now and almost everyone I know reads it.

“Never before, has someone been more,”

Today I felt too terrible to stay at uni. My eyes were puffy, everyone kept asking me what was wrong, I looked terrible. So I decided to give Archike’s lecture on liver function tests a miss -it was only 14 slides anyway- and head home. I just didn’t feel like meeting with people today. Music was calling to me,  my lower torso fell like it was about to fall off  and I was the most antisocial and inarticulate person today. I was rude to my friends, cold, ignoring folk and all that crap.

I was so uncool. 

And I guess the reason I’m feeling like this is because I realised things between me and Chris have really changed. They really have. We’re nothing more than friends now. At first, it was ok because I could still tell he really liked me. 

And now I can’t. 

Well I guess eventually things do change. And I guess the boy finally realised that coming through for me wasn’t gonna work out. He’s trying to get an online degree now. I sincerely hope that for his sake, this one kicks off and he does briliantly in this. No matter what turns out for him in life though, I’m always gonna hope that things work out for him. And I’ll always try and watch out for him, the best I can. With 14000 miles between us.

Yes, I’m still in love with him. But ah, love is for morons. 

Me included, I suppose. But looking at things now, I doubt I’ll be falling in love with anyone ever again. 

Anyway, yesterday was kinda bleak cuz I just couldn’t stop crying the moment I got home. Hence the puffy eyes. 

Also, exams are close so there’s tension closing in from all angles. And I have no one to lean on. Ah darn the loneliness!

Heart, we will get through this! Now stop bleeding, suck it up and beat I tell you, beat!

To be or not to be?

Ziggy Shahdust was right when she said. . .

“Are you sure you’re meeting up with this friend because you want to see her or because you’re interested in the case her dad has?”

0.0

Sure enough, for one whole hour –and a half- of the 2.5 hours I spent with her. . .we did not stop talking about her dad’s case.

Her father was admitted upon having a suspected case of Chikungunya. Why I find this case particularly unusual and oh-so interesting is because Chikungunya RARELY manifests with neurological symptoms. It’s happened before, with the classic signs being confusion, but it is RARE.

So I probed a little: Describe the confusion, what DID he do, and when did it all start.

• For instance, her dad would talk using the phone upside down. He had forgotten how to SMS. He had also forgotten who her mum was.
• One day, he got hysterical and fidgety and tried to take his clothes off.
• Another day he said he saw paper fluttering by the door when there was nothing there.

So they sent him for an MRI.

They apparently saw two lesions – but they were not foreign, looked more like infarctions.

However as she kept describing the weird things her father was doing, my mind started racking through all the possible things that could happen with a diabetic patient – her dad is diabetic. So my mind led me to some form of diabetic neuropathy as this was nerve-related. Also, it was evident that her father DID know some things and just had trouble interpreting it. Right brain activity was diminished. Something was hindering the brain activity : a mass? Tumour?

But secondary from a pre-existing infection?

Creatinine levels were high indicative of progressing renal damage. It could still be a malignancy or infection at this point.

No biopsies were done because the chances are it was an infection based on the history and so, they did a lumbar puncture.

Until that point, she still hadn’t told me the final diagnosis. But I was thinking, infection, brain, neurological symptoms much later and my mind drifted back to our Microbio module from last sem.

Encephalitis came to mind.

Viral encephalitis.

So I said it. What about an inflammation of the brain? Inflammation leading to compression leading to areas of reduced blood supply leading to those regions of infarction?

 I was right.

Now, the docs need to figure out WHICH virus is causing this. They couldn’t tell from the lumbar puncture even. Known causes would be the Herpes virus, HIV1, Polio, JC virus and the measles virus. Oh and even Rabies.

Maybe I should ask if he got bitten by a dog. Ya never know with these things.

So here was my first insight into being House. Judging from my mock OSCEs, maybe my clinical skills ain’t that good.

I should stick to being a diagnostician. I’ve been right in all my attempts so far.

Perhaps sappy?

Watching something on tv a lil earlier made me realise something.

Also a lil something Ze Pervy Nerd had said to me, on my account of last week’s record-breaking fiasco.

“People make you happy. You get disappointed by them but at the end of the day, if you were alone, you’d be miserable,”

I attribute this epiphany to a lil bout of reflection in my car on the way home from uni.

The woman - tho admittedly an oddball =P - is right.

*

On another note, I need to lose weight.

Yes, I might not get to it. But saying it, reinforcing it even, gives me an odd sense of comfort. I am admitting to a problem and I need to get something done about it. Seeing the lectures today on the articulation of the perfect human body, with the demarcations of the muscles, the smooth curvatures, made me wonder, I wonder what it’d be like to have the perfect human body.

How the hell do you start to get rid of years and years of unhealthy eating and disgusting binging habits?

I dunno, but I’d really like to find out.

I have a problem

I am gadget-obsessed.

I now want a camera.

No. I NEED a camera. The hand-me-down I got is absolute rubbish.

And I can’t depend on my stepdad to get it fixed because let’s face it, the man’s an absolute moron when it comes to getting things done.

This is so bad. I could feed so many starving kids with the cash it takes to buy a camera.

BUT. I. STILL. WANT. ONE.

*cries*

Sha has one. Thali has one. So many people have good ones.

I FRICKIN’ WANT ONE.

I wish I had a rich dad. Who’d pamper me consistently and indulge in my material whims and fancies.

I wish money grew on trees.

I wish. . . I wish I won the lottery.

I hope I win the essay-writing competition.

All just because I want a camera.

Sigh.

PS – The Brown Woman is aware she’s being terribly materialistic and indulgent but bear with her, gadgets rank 2nd in the list of sins/vices she should not indulge in.

PPS – Food bags the #1 spot.

Sigh

Why won’t people ever realise, even those closest to me, that it really really annoys and hurts me when they won’t talk to me and tell me what’s wrong instead.

Confront me. Issues get resolved better, faster and there is no pent-up emotion. One day, all repression will explode and in a way you wouldn’t want it to. That, can be detrimental to any type of human relationship.

Because some words are hard to take back once said.

I always encourage people to think. Think. Communication too requires thinking. Especially, if you intend to form healthy relationships with people.

If you value the relationship I have with you, confront me. Tell me what it is that’s bugging you, what it is I’ve done. And that way, I can learn to not do it again and we can both save ourselves the trouble of getting hurt and upset with each other.

If you value us, confront me.

If you don’t, I can take a hint.

God has a plan

“And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you,”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ve had a pretty productive week.

In just one week, I’ve lost 3 people I hold close to me.

I think I should get a medal for this, don’t you?