If life were like a movie. . .

. . .mine would be that of a drama with those bittersweet endings. 

This is assuming, mine could see end to begin with.

It is, somewhat peaceful to be listening to Simon and Garfunkel during this lonely period. The single life is fun. But not when you lose friends.

Somehow, I dunno where I went wrong with him. 

Or him.

Or him.

On top of all of this, my uterus is contracting like a woman about to pop a watermelon outta her. 

Things between me and him have changed. 

For once in my life. . .

I’m at a loss. 

Revelations

So the recent development is that, I get very hormonal and I freak people out. 

So that’s Vila, Chris, Kel and gods knows who else. 

I guess it’s in times like this when you see who your real friends are and who really counts.

Either that or I’m just not worth the effort to be around with when hormonal. 

Oh well. Either way, they’re such lovely thoughts to be burdened with. 

Celibacy

I think me being celibate would be a pretty good idea.

You see, recently of late, the very idea of sex is beginning to scare me. 

Being intimate with anyone and putting yourself out there, is something I realise I’m incapable of. At this point anyway. 

So does that mean I’m celibate now?

I suppose so. Right until some moron decides to change my mindset completely. Tho I doubt anyone could.

I am, apparently, superhuman. 

My Cage

 by Ashvini Rajah

Ragdoll

 

“Cuz my heart won’t be your ragdoll anymore,”

 Yeah, i’ve been feeling very emo of late.

Too emo for my liking. The kinda emo where you’re crying the whole day and you end up having puffy eyes but the moment you walk out that door, ya gotta smile and pray to the gods or whatever it is you believe in that no one knows or picks up that you’re just dead-on miserable. 

Today a close friend accused me of being loose. And incapable of a real relationship because apparently, I have too many fans and I led some one on. 

Which is rubbish. I just can’t tell people to buzz off. It’s not in me to do that. Also, I can’t help it if someone else likes me or wants to get into my pants now, can I? It’s not like it’s something I have control over.

I’ve been reading up on celibacy quite a bit. I really wonder what went wrong in all the relationships I’ve been in. With Arun, well the boy wound up cheating on me. With Chris, well I wasn’t around. Too busy and what not. Plus the distance was a factor. Not to mention his mum. Kinda hard to think of a future when the boy’s mother hates me, no? It’s not like he’s gonna go against her, she’s his mother and altho he doesn’t admit it, he’ll probably never go against her. 

My best friend recently told me he had feelings for me. However, I’m in no position to start a serious relationship with anyone at this point. 

“Bitter heart, bitter heart, tries to keep it all inside,”

So today, I thought I’d talk to him and tell him that. But before I did, he told me that he was having doubts himself. 

To which, tis only natural to ask why.

And the boy so eloquently told me that it was because I seemed to resemble his ex. Who dumped him and went off with someone better. 

Basically, my best friend, doesn’t trust me. 

And that has cut real deep and brought out a lot of failed relationship history. 

I don’t wanna fall in love again. 

I’m thinking about making a vow of celibacy. 

For real. 

It’s the only way to avoid getting hurt like this. 

Predictable

People are so predictable.

It’s typical. Someone else comes along, showers one with attention and the person he/she claimed to have loved and always loved, well suddenly that doesn’t come into play anymore. 

But I knew this from back with Arun. 

People always claim to be around for you, to be there. And then they ALWAYS disappoint because they always leave. 

This is why I don’t and I can’t trust anyone anymore.

Even the ones I should be trusting. 

=)

Yeah. I’m happy.

Thanks, you. 

What is love, really?

“Someday somebody’s gonna ask you, a question you should say yes to, once in your life,”

So many things make so much more sense now. So many many things.

1. How he helped out for my 20th birthday.
2. How he cut that dvd for me and put lots of effort into it. 
3. How he came over to accompany me whenever I was lonely.
4. How he called whenever family stuff bugged me.
5. How he kept calling me at college when I got lonely.
6. How he volunteered to be back-up for my prom.
7. How he’s hated everyone of my boyfriends/crushes/love interests until now.
8. How he did this and did that without so much as expecting anything in return from me.
9. And how I totally did NOT appreciate any of it. 

*

The one thing he ever wanted from me, was to listen to him go on about his family woes. 

Sigh. 

I should learn to be more tolerant. And ignore his taunts about rich jokes.

I still can’t believe it’s happened. After all, it’s Kel. My best bud from all these years of knowing each other

Dear God. . .WHY?

*

Both love AND life are four-lettered words. 

Value?

Out of all the friends who don’t talk to him anymore, I still stuck on. So maybe not as a girlfriend cuz well, I need to look out for me as well. But I am still around as a friend.

Yet the funny thing is, he doesn’t want to talk to ME now.

With the distance, the fights and the lack of communication between us, it was difficult to stay in a relationship together. Particularly if he wasn’t gonna make any sacrifices for me.

But we could still stay on as friends. Maybe things will change in the future.

But here’s the irony; his ex dumped him, his bestie isn’t talking to him anymore and I still do but now he doesn’t wanna talk to me.

“Wipe that tear away now, from your eye,” 

This is what happens when you try to be nice or do the right thing. Folk step on you and take advantage of that. Even the people you least expect to will do it.

It’s funny. Instead of knowing that he has issues and accepting them, his ego won’t permit him. Logically speaking, if 3 people have had issues with him, one should know by now that the common denominator in this problem. . .is you.

So fix the issues instead of lamenting how everyone ELSE might have a problem apart from you. Accept your flaws, embrace them and then FIX them. Things will change.

 I know you don’t wanna talk to me again.  But I know you’re still gonna read. So if this is the only way I can reach out to you, then so be it.

You’re a nice person if you only see that your immaturity and your ego hold you back from being a pleasant person people are going to want to be around, particularly people you love. You’re 23, it’s time to stop depending on things given to you from home and make a living for yourself. You’re a man now and tho you’ve called me a spoilt brat, at least I have a sense of responsibility to myself and my future partner; I know I need to get a job and succeed in life by helping others. Unless you stay with your folks for the rest of your life, forever shielded by their efforts to protect you from the bad bad world out there, you’re never gonnna be able to live and you’ll have a job but is it really a job you worked hard to earn? No. It was given to you by your parents. There’s no accomplishment in that. And if you think about it, the spoilt brat here is not me.

It’s you.

No college degree and you’re still living in with your folks. People your age over there are already married or in some university elsewhere. You’re stuck in a rut. You need to get out. If you take care of yourself, only then can you take care of a girl you love.

Stop depending on your comfort zone and grow up. It’s about time.  

Case study - tmi? Not in medicine

Patient presents with pain upon micturition (pee-ing), and passes urine in small quantities. Patient complains of a burning sensation upon passing urine and tender lower back pain. Patient does not consume enough water regularly and the colour of the urine is yellow, concentrated and somewhat smelly. Patient also experiences fever at certain times of the day. 

Diagnosis? 

I’ve got a fucking urinary tract infection (UTI), people.