Wanna know what it feels like to have friends?

It feels GREAT.

And just like that, I have so many people coming up to me, asking me what’s wrong.

I love all of you. Thank you so much, to those who messaged over facebook, msn, emailed. I had no idea I meant that much to you all.

Tis now that I pity those who’ll never be able to have this.

Thank you, Big Man. At the end of the day, I’d like to believe you’re real because you always come through for me. Just when it seems the darkest.

I am a lucky girl indeed.

No More

You promised me a life together
A future in a time much better
You wrote me poetry and sent jewellery
Sanctioning our special bond
A smile from you made my day
Even when things never went my way
We talked of others who weren’t in love
We talked of kids, for us it was enough

A new scent now beckons
You’ve gone and taken your heart away
She has it now, what can I say?
I guess it never goes my way
True love is hard to come by
So I sit, look on and sometimes cry
Wondering why it never stays
Wondering why it always dies

Thank you

Whoever it is up there, who’s watching us down here, possibly watching over me. . .

I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for today and thank you for trying to take my mind off things : )

Sure, it didn’t REALLY work,  the bottomless pit in my tummy has yet to disappear. 

But I appreciate the effort indeed. 

So dear Big Man, if you DO exist. . .

Thanks. For today. 

Random thought

I do think, that if I died in my sleep tonight or tomorrow or anytime soon, I would not regret it.

I can say that I have experienced enough about life, enough joy, enough pain, enough love, enough sorrow, to be able to walk away from here without ever looking back.

They say that when you’re in love with someone and you grow old together, when one of the couple passes away, the other doesn’t take too long to follow in suit.

I wanted that. But now, I’m never going to be able to get it. 

As such, life and death have no more meaning for me. 

If I die, anytime soon, in my early or midlife, know this.

I will not have regretted it.

As should none of you. 

Goodbye.

Just in case. 

Pain

I never thought, something as simple as deleting his label off gmail -that holds 85 long conversations btw- would be so painful. 

The aftermath

So I went to bed in tears. 

I woke up because I had a dream that made me cry. Dreamt I saw pictures of the new girl hand-in-hand with him over facebook. In my head, she was pretty. Much more than I could ever be. Doing stuff we used to do.

Goddamn facebook, really. 

Then I woke up and cried some more. Went about my whole day, in my room, not daring to come out for anything because then everyone here would know. 

And I’ve decided to be a bit more open about my feelings now. I was gonna make this post private, but what’s the point? It’s because of me not wanting to wear my emotions on my sleeve that people eventually assume I don’t care. I always have to be the strong one for people. But at the end of the day, who is there that is strong for me?

I can only do so much. 

*

I do believe, I have dehydrated myself.

*

I had all the chances in the world to move on. But I never did. I guess I knew this day would come but I was sincerely hoping it would never. But at the end of the day, he is happier. With someone new. And I am only upset that it isn’t me. 

At the end of the day, I am not the better option. 

i am fat, awful-looking, loud. Overly-ambitious, I barely make time. I’m never there. Well not as much as he’d like to be, I suppose. Sure, I turned him down. 3 times, so he says. But what can I do, he was showing signs of what Arun did -disinterest, no messages- and in retrospect, those signs turned out to be true. The preacher’s daughter. Man, I shoulda seen this one coming. 

She’s there. I’m 14000 miles away. She’s hot, he told Jules that anyway. She’s shy, probably soft-spoken too. He’s making her brownies now. lol. Well it was either gonna be a toss between Ashlea or her. Either way, I’m the fool for having let it happened again. 

I was hoping, that somehow, things would work out. He’d promise me he’d do everything to make things right again. That’s all I wanted to hear. It never came. They say that there is always someone who loves more in a relationship. 3 weeks ago he asked me to be his again. I said no because I was scared. Then I got over it and I asked. And he ignored me. I suppose the other girl was beginning to come into the picture then. 4 days ago he stopped messaging. Today, he has a brand new girlfriend. 

As much as I’ve had guys fawning over me, I never indulged. I’ve been asked out, hit on. Heck, even lecturers put on the guise of consult to get me out on a date. People find me interesting enough to ask me out. So it’s not that I don’t get ANY attention. Like Kel said, I have fans. Heck, someone even asked me out TODAY. 

I just can’t do this. All over again. 

* 

I have yet to leave my room

*

What am I gonna do with a gold promise ring when the promise is no longer there?

*

How did my mother handle this? She even had kids!

*

I am not very strong anymore. I wish i were brave enough to just give up. Give up on everything. People, family, friends. I have been in depression for the past few weeks and this week just isn’t proving to be any better. You can only hide your feelings so much. One day they’ll just come and explode at your face. 

The one person I thought would never leave has left. How can I trust anyone else again?

I just wanna end all of this. Thoughts of a drug overdose or alcohol intoxication are beginning to tempt me. But I am not that person. They are such easy way outs and here I am, upset because my lover took the easy way out too. As such, i will not indulge. I will not indulge in the easy way out. 

*

I should start meditating. But how am I to find peace and acceptance if my heart keeps getting broken again and again?

*

I am going to be celibate. I think this was a sign. To push me to this path. 

I need to go away. To leave this place. 

Good lord, I even asked him to meet me at Ireland or Scotland just a day ago. Gods. . .what was I thinking. 

I need to leave.

For good. 

And so it’s over

And so my rock, has finally left. 

Its rather silly to assume we could stay friends after something like that. Ccy was right, I don’t deserve this. Friends don’t do this to each other. Friends give the other some form of dignity. Not through facebook.

The second time. lol. So I was right. It was the preacher’s daughter after all. Like how I suspected all along when he told Jules about em. 

I’m always right but I NEVER listen to my intuition. And this is where it lands me.

Heartbreak. 

At least now I know, it’ll never be. 

Sigh

I really, really, miss my rock. . .

It’s 2.04am. . .

. . .and I can’t stop thinking about Nathans Corner’s chicken+cheese naan.

Tomorrow, I feast!

Farking hell

You’re testing me, aren’t you? Goddamn you, I know you are!