: )

July 26, 2009

Ryan said that if I just hang around and wait to move on, I never will. And that I’d only move on if I open my heart to it.

So he asked me to open my heart to him.

I’ve been hurt so much before. So much that when he asked me to be his, I just started to cry.

And then he hugged me and said it was ok, and that I didn’t have to answer him then and there. But no, that wasn’t it.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, and no matter how bad things get, something always falls through and I’d like to think that I do indeed, have that guardian angel I dreamt about in my life, who looks out for me no matter what. For a long time, I had felt abandoned, lost, angry. A whole host of feelings I didn’t dare verbalize or even blog about publicly for the fear of making them more real.

It hurt a lot to think that my ex never respected me enough to be able to tell me that he was moving on. It hurt even more to find out through facebook. It was like nothing of our relationship meant much to him when it meant so much to me.

But things always happen for a reason. That’s what the Gita says.

Maybe, I am meant to hurt so I can appreciate what comes to me when the right one approaches. Some day, I believe I will be happy with someone, who will always be there for me and never hurt me the way previous lovers have.

I told him that it wasn’t that. But that I was scared. And I felt lost and suddenly, it’s like I’ve been saved.

And just like that, he kissed me. Tears and all.

Me : Do you really want this? You know what I’ve been through.  There is a lot of baggage you’re gonna have to deal with here.

Him : Who DOESN’T have baggage? I’m sure I do. I’ve been engaged once. She left me for a DJ. I’m sure you understand how that feels.

Me : Too well, I feel.

Him : We can take this as slow as you want. Tho you’re gonna have to stop crying if that’s the case.

Me : *glares at him* Why?

Him : You look sexy when you cry.

-_-”

Apparently Ryan finds blowfish sexy. Disturbing much?

Well putting his eccentricities aside, I said yes.

We both know relationships never always work out. We both know that we have flaws and that it’ll probably take a lot of work to make it work as well.

But we’ll try all the same.

After all, it should work if two people really do love each other.

: )

Love, is only apparent in our actions. Words are powerful but they can be lies.

Acta non verba.

I wonder if I’ll get any action this time ; ) Getting a kiss itself was very pleasantly surprising :”>

 

 

 

Random thought

July 22, 2009

 

I do think, that if I died in my sleep tonight or tomorrow or anytime soon, I would not regret it.

I can say that I have experienced enough about life, enough joy, enough pain, enough love, enough sorrow, to be able to walk away from here without ever looking back.

They say that when you’re in love with someone and you grow old together, when one of the couple passes away, the other doesn’t take too long to follow in suit.

I wanted that. But now, I’m never going to be able to get it. 

As such, life and death have no more meaning for me. 

If I die, anytime soon, in my early or midlife, know this.

I will not have regretted it.

As should none of you. 

Goodbye.

Just in case. 

What is love, really?

June 10, 2009

“Someday somebody’s gonna ask you, a question you should say yes to, once in your life,”

So many things make so much more sense now. So many many things.

1. How he helped out for my 20th birthday.
2. How he cut that dvd for me and put lots of effort into it. 
3. How he came over to accompany me whenever I was lonely.
4. How he called whenever family stuff bugged me.
5. How he kept calling me at college when I got lonely.
6. How he volunteered to be back-up for my prom.
7. How he’s hated everyone of my boyfriends/crushes/love interests until now.
8. How he did this and did that without so much as expecting anything in return from me.
9. And how I totally did NOT appreciate any of it. 

*

The one thing he ever wanted from me, was to listen to him go on about his family woes. 

Sigh. 

I should learn to be more tolerant. And ignore his taunts about rich jokes.

I still can’t believe it’s happened. After all, it’s Kel. My best bud from all these years of knowing each other

Dear God. . .WHY?

*

Both love AND life are four-lettered words. 

 

 

Value?

June 3, 2009

Out of all the friends who don’t talk to him anymore, I still stuck on. So maybe not as a girlfriend cuz well, I need to look out for me as well. But I am still around as a friend.

Yet the funny thing is, he doesn’t want to talk to ME now.

With the distance, the fights and the lack of communication between us, it was difficult to stay in a relationship together. Particularly if he wasn’t gonna make any sacrifices for me.

But we could still stay on as friends. Maybe things will change in the future.

But here’s the irony; his ex dumped him, his bestie isn’t talking to him anymore and I still do but now he doesn’t wanna talk to me.

“Wipe that tear away now, from your eye,” 

This is what happens when you try to be nice or do the right thing. Folk step on you and take advantage of that. Even the people you least expect to will do it.

It’s funny. Instead of knowing that he has issues and accepting them, his ego won’t permit him. Logically speaking, if 3 people have had issues with him, one should know by now that the common denominator in this problem. . .is you.

So fix the issues instead of lamenting how everyone ELSE might have a problem apart from you. Accept your flaws, embrace them and then FIX them. Things will change.

 I know you don’t wanna talk to me again.  But I know you’re still gonna read. So if this is the only way I can reach out to you, then so be it.

You’re a nice person if you only see that your immaturity and your ego hold you back from being a pleasant person people are going to want to be around, particularly people you love. You’re 23, it’s time to stop depending on things given to you from home and make a living for yourself. You’re a man now and tho you’ve called me a spoilt brat, at least I have a sense of responsibility to myself and my future partner; I know I need to get a job and succeed in life by helping others. Unless you stay with your folks for the rest of your life, forever shielded by their efforts to protect you from the bad bad world out there, you’re never gonnna be able to live and you’ll have a job but is it really a job you worked hard to earn? No. It was given to you by your parents. There’s no accomplishment in that. And if you think about it, the spoilt brat here is not me.

It’s you.

No college degree and you’re still living in with your folks. People your age over there are already married or in some university elsewhere. You’re stuck in a rut. You need to get out. If you take care of yourself, only then can you take care of a girl you love.

Stop depending on your comfort zone and grow up. It’s about time.  

Hmm

May 21, 2009

So why is it that this blog gets so many hits and views and yet no one actually comments?

I’d love to hear what you readers think. It won’t take too much of your time. Negative or positive, all is welcome. I can deal with you guys.  

 

The Emo Blog

May 8, 2009

I’ve decided to use this blog for blogging about all the stuff folks don’t wanna read. My online diary of sorts. Stuff too personal gets locked away as private, only meant for my eyes and stuff I don’t mind sharing -because I don’t know who reads this stuff exactly- will go up here. Yes, all the sobby, emo, whining, ranty posts. If you hate it, go some place else ya buffoons.

You have been forewarned.

Well I guess the reason I need a private place to blog is because the other blog, The Tales of The Brown Woman is getting way too public now and almost everyone I know reads it.

“Never before, has someone been more,”

 

Today I felt too terrible to stay at uni. My eyes were puffy, everyone kept asking me what was wrong, I looked terrible. So I decided to give Archike’s lecture on liver function tests a miss -it was only 14 slides anyway- and head home. I just didn’t feel like meeting with people today. Music was calling to me,  my lower torso fell like it was about to fall off  and I was the most antisocial and inarticulate person today. I was rude to my friends, cold, ignoring folk and all that crap.

I was so uncool. 

And I guess the reason I’m feeling like this is because I realised things between me and Chris have really changed. They really have. We’re nothing more than friends now. At first, it was ok because I could still tell he really liked me. 

And now I can’t. 

Well I guess eventually things do change. And I guess the boy finally realised that coming through for me wasn’t gonna work out. He’s trying to get an online degree now. I sincerely hope that for his sake, this one kicks off and he does briliantly in this. No matter what turns out for him in life though, I’m always gonna hope that things work out for him. And I’ll always try and watch out for him, the best I can. With 14000 miles between us.

Yes, I’m still in love with him. But ah, love is for morons. 

Me included, I suppose. But looking at things now, I doubt I’ll be falling in love with anyone ever again. 

Anyway, yesterday was kinda bleak cuz I just couldn’t stop crying the moment I got home. Hence the puffy eyes. 

Also, exams are close so there’s tension closing in from all angles. And I have no one to lean on. Ah darn the loneliness!

Heart, we will get through this! Now stop bleeding, suck it up and beat I tell you, beat!

 

Perhaps sappy?

April 15, 2009

Watching something on tv a lil earlier made me realise something.

Also a lil something Ze Pervy Nerd had said to me, on my account of last week’s record-breaking fiasco.

“People make you happy. You get disappointed by them but at the end of the day, if you were alone, you’d be miserable,”

I attribute this epiphany to a lil bout of reflection in my car on the way home from uni.

The woman - tho admittedly an oddball =P - is right.

*

On another note, I need to lose weight.

Yes, I might not get to it. But saying it, reinforcing it even, gives me an odd sense of comfort. I am admitting to a problem and I need to get something done about it. Seeing the lectures today on the articulation of the perfect human body, with the demarcations of the muscles, the smooth curvatures, made me wonder, I wonder what it’d be like to have the perfect human body.

How the hell do you start to get rid of years and years of unhealthy eating and disgusting binging habits?

I dunno, but I’d really like to find out.

God has a plan

April 12, 2009

“And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you,”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ve had a pretty productive week.

In just one week, I’ve lost 3 people I hold close to me.

I think I should get a medal for this, don’t you?

Funny

April 9, 2009

For some reason this blog is very well read.

And I have no idea why. 

The traffic is immense. Why?

Most of my posts here are set to private. Because those posts are juicy and not meant for public viewing. 

Those posts are my real diary of sorts.

At any rate, here’s what you folks who read there have been missing. . .

*

“Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm,”

After such a long time, I turn on Linkin Park’s remix of Depeche Mode’s age-old-but-gold number, Enjoy The Silence.

I seem to be getting quite a lot of silence.

It’s just one of those days.

One of those rare moments.

When you sit up in bed, with Luthor on the lap, music a-playing.

And then you reflect.

Biggest mistake, reflecting.

I wish I could say the names. But I can’t. This blog has become much too public already.

So there’s a heffalump who scares me by reading every single thing of me. Then there’s a woozle who won’t stop being a bad-ass. Then there’s a tigger? Cuz she’s the only one.

So who am I?

Vinnie the Pooh of course =P I’m round and cuddly enough!

“In the end, everyone ends up alone,”

So maybe I’m just getting a head start.

“Lying on the floor, surround me,”

Sometimes, I just wish, I had someone who’d know what I’m thinking. I’ve only seen that in just one person so far. And that was a road I never wanna go down again.

“Makes me so damn glad that I’d found you,”

Someone that caters to the wishful thinking that is me, that understands the pain I feel when I see so many things that aren’t right. Someone who just knows, who just knows when to do the right things. When to back off, when to lend a shoulder to cry on.

“No room left to move in between you and I,”

It’s just one of those days. Where hormones and loneliness coupled makes for a good night to turn in early.

It just feels right
I could be seeing things
But you look at me
You just see me
I can’t stay hidden
I think I’m smitten

Keys to the puzzle
I never figured out before
How do I let you know
How can I let this show
Somehow you’re here
Or there but everywhere

It’s always been there
It’s never left
Through all this time
This feeling of mine
In this heart of stone
You’re just never gone

                                                                                                               - Ash

 

=)

February 4, 2009

Somehow, slowly, a smile is etching itself on her face.

Maybe she’s found intelligence after all? Maturity? There are no thrills. Just satisfaction. Maybe this is it. 

In the midst of all this, maybe she has found what she’s looking for. 

Thank you, God, for getting me through these days, for managing to make me emotionally potent enough to deal with relationships, people and everything that comes tumbling into my life haphazardly. 

She is more motivated to study now. I WILL get my priorities right. 

Thank you, dear God =)