No More

You promised me a life together
A future in a time much better
You wrote me poetry and sent jewellery
Sanctioning our special bond
A smile from you made my day
Even when things never went my way
We talked of others who weren’t in love
We talked of kids, for us it was enough

A new scent now beckons
You’ve gone and taken your heart away
She has it now, what can I say?
I guess it never goes my way
True love is hard to come by
So I sit, look on and sometimes cry
Wondering why it never stays
Wondering why it always dies

Random thought

I do think, that if I died in my sleep tonight or tomorrow or anytime soon, I would not regret it.

I can say that I have experienced enough about life, enough joy, enough pain, enough love, enough sorrow, to be able to walk away from here without ever looking back.

They say that when you’re in love with someone and you grow old together, when one of the couple passes away, the other doesn’t take too long to follow in suit.

I wanted that. But now, I’m never going to be able to get it. 

As such, life and death have no more meaning for me. 

If I die, anytime soon, in my early or midlife, know this.

I will not have regretted it.

As should none of you. 

Goodbye.

Just in case. 

Pain

I never thought, something as simple as deleting his label off gmail -that holds 85 long conversations btw- would be so painful. 

If life were like a movie. . .

. . .mine would be that of a drama with those bittersweet endings. 

This is assuming, mine could see end to begin with.

It is, somewhat peaceful to be listening to Simon and Garfunkel during this lonely period. The single life is fun. But not when you lose friends.

Somehow, I dunno where I went wrong with him. 

Or him.

Or him.

On top of all of this, my uterus is contracting like a woman about to pop a watermelon outta her. 

Things between me and him have changed. 

For once in my life. . .

I’m at a loss. 

My Cage

 by Ashvini Rajah

Value?

Out of all the friends who don’t talk to him anymore, I still stuck on. So maybe not as a girlfriend cuz well, I need to look out for me as well. But I am still around as a friend.

Yet the funny thing is, he doesn’t want to talk to ME now.

With the distance, the fights and the lack of communication between us, it was difficult to stay in a relationship together. Particularly if he wasn’t gonna make any sacrifices for me.

But we could still stay on as friends. Maybe things will change in the future.

But here’s the irony; his ex dumped him, his bestie isn’t talking to him anymore and I still do but now he doesn’t wanna talk to me.

“Wipe that tear away now, from your eye,” 

This is what happens when you try to be nice or do the right thing. Folk step on you and take advantage of that. Even the people you least expect to will do it.

It’s funny. Instead of knowing that he has issues and accepting them, his ego won’t permit him. Logically speaking, if 3 people have had issues with him, one should know by now that the common denominator in this problem. . .is you.

So fix the issues instead of lamenting how everyone ELSE might have a problem apart from you. Accept your flaws, embrace them and then FIX them. Things will change.

 I know you don’t wanna talk to me again.  But I know you’re still gonna read. So if this is the only way I can reach out to you, then so be it.

You’re a nice person if you only see that your immaturity and your ego hold you back from being a pleasant person people are going to want to be around, particularly people you love. You’re 23, it’s time to stop depending on things given to you from home and make a living for yourself. You’re a man now and tho you’ve called me a spoilt brat, at least I have a sense of responsibility to myself and my future partner; I know I need to get a job and succeed in life by helping others. Unless you stay with your folks for the rest of your life, forever shielded by their efforts to protect you from the bad bad world out there, you’re never gonnna be able to live and you’ll have a job but is it really a job you worked hard to earn? No. It was given to you by your parents. There’s no accomplishment in that. And if you think about it, the spoilt brat here is not me.

It’s you.

No college degree and you’re still living in with your folks. People your age over there are already married or in some university elsewhere. You’re stuck in a rut. You need to get out. If you take care of yourself, only then can you take care of a girl you love.

Stop depending on your comfort zone and grow up. It’s about time.  

Can you heal me?

“If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault. If someone betrays you twice, it’s YOUR fault,”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

So this is what it feels like to be on your own. To not have the backing of family. To not have your people.

It’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow, I’ll tell ya that.

Why?

Why do you know me so well?

Why is it you?

Why are you the only one who can? 

I don’t want it to be you. I really don’t. 

I want this from someone else. You have no right to me.

No right at all. 

He chose her over me

It’s barely sinking in.

Each time that thought just comes into my head, a fresh surge of tears overwhelm me. 

Why. . .

What did I do wrong?

Why. . .

What’s wrong with me. Why did this happen twice?

Is she prettier, is she everything he wants? 

In times like this, I lose the strength to even be able to sit up straight. My head is spinning. 

I hate people. I hate how this world thinks. 

*

I’ve been cheated on again. It all fits. But this time, it hurts so much more. The first time it happened, I got over it pretty quick. 

This time. . .

I just hate men. I hate how they think, how they’re only as loyal as their options are. And I’m not the better option.

How can people lie about loving you and be in love with someone else?