The aftermath

So I went to bed in tears. 

I woke up because I had a dream that made me cry. Dreamt I saw pictures of the new girl hand-in-hand with him over facebook. In my head, she was pretty. Much more than I could ever be. Doing stuff we used to do.

Goddamn facebook, really. 

Then I woke up and cried some more. Went about my whole day, in my room, not daring to come out for anything because then everyone here would know. 

And I’ve decided to be a bit more open about my feelings now. I was gonna make this post private, but what’s the point? It’s because of me not wanting to wear my emotions on my sleeve that people eventually assume I don’t care. I always have to be the strong one for people. But at the end of the day, who is there that is strong for me?

I can only do so much. 

*

I do believe, I have dehydrated myself.

*

I had all the chances in the world to move on. But I never did. I guess I knew this day would come but I was sincerely hoping it would never. But at the end of the day, he is happier. With someone new. And I am only upset that it isn’t me. 

At the end of the day, I am not the better option. 

i am fat, awful-looking, loud. Overly-ambitious, I barely make time. I’m never there. Well not as much as he’d like to be, I suppose. Sure, I turned him down. 3 times, so he says. But what can I do, he was showing signs of what Arun did -disinterest, no messages- and in retrospect, those signs turned out to be true. The preacher’s daughter. Man, I shoulda seen this one coming. 

She’s there. I’m 14000 miles away. She’s hot, he told Jules that anyway. She’s shy, probably soft-spoken too. He’s making her brownies now. lol. Well it was either gonna be a toss between Ashlea or her. Either way, I’m the fool for having let it happened again. 

I was hoping, that somehow, things would work out. He’d promise me he’d do everything to make things right again. That’s all I wanted to hear. It never came. They say that there is always someone who loves more in a relationship. 3 weeks ago he asked me to be his again. I said no because I was scared. Then I got over it and I asked. And he ignored me. I suppose the other girl was beginning to come into the picture then. 4 days ago he stopped messaging. Today, he has a brand new girlfriend. 

As much as I’ve had guys fawning over me, I never indulged. I’ve been asked out, hit on. Heck, even lecturers put on the guise of consult to get me out on a date. People find me interesting enough to ask me out. So it’s not that I don’t get ANY attention. Like Kel said, I have fans. Heck, someone even asked me out TODAY. 

I just can’t do this. All over again. 

* 

I have yet to leave my room

*

What am I gonna do with a gold promise ring when the promise is no longer there?

*

How did my mother handle this? She even had kids!

*

I am not very strong anymore. I wish i were brave enough to just give up. Give up on everything. People, family, friends. I have been in depression for the past few weeks and this week just isn’t proving to be any better. You can only hide your feelings so much. One day they’ll just come and explode at your face. 

The one person I thought would never leave has left. How can I trust anyone else again?

I just wanna end all of this. Thoughts of a drug overdose or alcohol intoxication are beginning to tempt me. But I am not that person. They are such easy way outs and here I am, upset because my lover took the easy way out too. As such, i will not indulge. I will not indulge in the easy way out. 

*

I should start meditating. But how am I to find peace and acceptance if my heart keeps getting broken again and again?

*

I am going to be celibate. I think this was a sign. To push me to this path. 

I need to go away. To leave this place. 

Good lord, I even asked him to meet me at Ireland or Scotland just a day ago. Gods. . .what was I thinking. 

I need to leave.

For good. 

And so it’s over

And so my rock, has finally left. 

Its rather silly to assume we could stay friends after something like that. Ccy was right, I don’t deserve this. Friends don’t do this to each other. Friends give the other some form of dignity. Not through facebook.

The second time. lol. So I was right. It was the preacher’s daughter after all. Like how I suspected all along when he told Jules about em. 

I’m always right but I NEVER listen to my intuition. And this is where it lands me.

Heartbreak. 

At least now I know, it’ll never be. 

Sigh

I really, really, miss my rock. . .

It’s 2.04am. . .

. . .and I can’t stop thinking about Nathans Corner’s chicken+cheese naan.

Tomorrow, I feast!

Farking hell

You’re testing me, aren’t you? Goddamn you, I know you are!

If life were like a movie. . .

. . .mine would be that of a drama with those bittersweet endings. 

This is assuming, mine could see end to begin with.

It is, somewhat peaceful to be listening to Simon and Garfunkel during this lonely period. The single life is fun. But not when you lose friends.

Somehow, I dunno where I went wrong with him. 

Or him.

Or him.

On top of all of this, my uterus is contracting like a woman about to pop a watermelon outta her. 

Things between me and him have changed. 

For once in my life. . .

I’m at a loss. 

Revelations

So the recent development is that, I get very hormonal and I freak people out. 

So that’s Vila, Chris, Kel and gods knows who else. 

I guess it’s in times like this when you see who your real friends are and who really counts.

Either that or I’m just not worth the effort to be around with when hormonal. 

Oh well. Either way, they’re such lovely thoughts to be burdened with. 

Celibacy

I think me being celibate would be a pretty good idea.

You see, recently of late, the very idea of sex is beginning to scare me. 

Being intimate with anyone and putting yourself out there, is something I realise I’m incapable of. At this point anyway. 

So does that mean I’m celibate now?

I suppose so. Right until some moron decides to change my mindset completely. Tho I doubt anyone could.

I am, apparently, superhuman. 

My Cage

 by Ashvini Rajah

Ragdoll

 

“Cuz my heart won’t be your ragdoll anymore,”

 Yeah, i’ve been feeling very emo of late.

Too emo for my liking. The kinda emo where you’re crying the whole day and you end up having puffy eyes but the moment you walk out that door, ya gotta smile and pray to the gods or whatever it is you believe in that no one knows or picks up that you’re just dead-on miserable. 

Today a close friend accused me of being loose. And incapable of a real relationship because apparently, I have too many fans and I led some one on. 

Which is rubbish. I just can’t tell people to buzz off. It’s not in me to do that. Also, I can’t help it if someone else likes me or wants to get into my pants now, can I? It’s not like it’s something I have control over.

I’ve been reading up on celibacy quite a bit. I really wonder what went wrong in all the relationships I’ve been in. With Arun, well the boy wound up cheating on me. With Chris, well I wasn’t around. Too busy and what not. Plus the distance was a factor. Not to mention his mum. Kinda hard to think of a future when the boy’s mother hates me, no? It’s not like he’s gonna go against her, she’s his mother and altho he doesn’t admit it, he’ll probably never go against her. 

My best friend recently told me he had feelings for me. However, I’m in no position to start a serious relationship with anyone at this point. 

“Bitter heart, bitter heart, tries to keep it all inside,”

So today, I thought I’d talk to him and tell him that. But before I did, he told me that he was having doubts himself. 

To which, tis only natural to ask why.

And the boy so eloquently told me that it was because I seemed to resemble his ex. Who dumped him and went off with someone better. 

Basically, my best friend, doesn’t trust me. 

And that has cut real deep and brought out a lot of failed relationship history. 

I don’t wanna fall in love again. 

I’m thinking about making a vow of celibacy. 

For real. 

It’s the only way to avoid getting hurt like this.