Arrhythmia

My Cage

July 5, 2009

 by Ashvini Rajah

Tell me boy, do you think of me?
On those days when nothing fills your mind
When there’s not a thing to do, you find
that I’m quite suited to your kind?

My heart is broke and quite fragile
It’s been known to walk those extra miles
Weary, torn and battered much
A wall I’ve built to shield it such

Tell me boy, do you hear me cry?
When the world has taken all it can
When I can no longer trust just any man
Will you take me in and hold my hand?

Tis all just a dream I see
The truth is that it was never meant to be
True love is just a myth
A fable told to the weak

My faith is slowly slipping away
My misery apparently here to stay
As day wears off thin
My heart just holds itself in

Posted by ashyville at 1:51 am | permalink | comments[5]

Ragdoll

 

“Cuz my heart won’t be your ragdoll anymore,”

 Yeah, i’ve been feeling very emo of late.

Too emo for my liking. The kinda emo where you’re crying the whole day and you end up having puffy eyes but the moment you walk out that door, ya gotta smile and pray to the gods or whatever it is you believe in that no one knows or picks up that you’re just dead-on miserable. 

Today a close friend accused me of being loose. And incapable of a real relationship because apparently, I have too many fans and I led some one on. 

Which is rubbish. I just can’t tell people to buzz off. It’s not in me to do that. Also, I can’t help it if someone else likes me or wants to get into my pants now, can I? It’s not like it’s something I have control over.

I’ve been reading up on celibacy quite a bit. I really wonder what went wrong in all the relationships I’ve been in. With Arun, well the boy wound up cheating on me. With Chris, well I wasn’t around. Too busy and what not. Plus the distance was a factor. Not to mention his mum. Kinda hard to think of a future when the boy’s mother hates me, no? It’s not like he’s gonna go against her, she’s his mother and altho he doesn’t admit it, he’ll probably never go against her. 

My best friend recently told me he had feelings for me. However, I’m in no position to start a serious relationship with anyone at this point. 

“Bitter heart, bitter heart, tries to keep it all inside,”

So today, I thought I’d talk to him and tell him that. But before I did, he told me that he was having doubts himself. 

To which, tis only natural to ask why.

And the boy so eloquently told me that it was because I seemed to resemble his ex. Who dumped him and went off with someone better. 

Basically, my best friend, doesn’t trust me. 

And that has cut real deep and brought out a lot of failed relationship history. 

I don’t wanna fall in love again. 

I’m thinking about making a vow of celibacy. 

For real. 

It’s the only way to avoid getting hurt like this. 

 

Posted by ashyville at 1:23 am | permalink | comments[5]