Unsaid

July 31, 2009

by The Fray

Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

But suffice it to say
We’re leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead

We’re both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell

A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car And we can talk it out in the rain

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid

I can sing myself to sleep
No more

Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

 

You’ve Got My Heart

July 27, 2009

Hold my hand boy and hold me close,

You’ve got my heart and everyone knows

That it wasn’t easy for you to get here

When you told me you love me I started to tear

Hold me close boy, just keep me near

Never leave for it’s something I fear

The past has been cruel but now we are here

It’s time to forget and be here with you

I love being yours, you love being mine

There’s not a day with you that I think isn’t fine

We have our scars, we’ve been brutally hurt

Betrayed and lost, just treated like dirt

When you hold me close the world disappears

It’s just me and you, in our own atmosphere

When you say ‘kiss me’ my heart just melts

In a long time, it’s happiness I’ve never felt

 

Hold my hand boy, hold me close

You’ve got my heart, it’s what we both know

Superficial me

I was never one who prided on the superficial. I never judged partners by it or friends whatsoever.

But I must admit, some perks do make things easier. And I’m not talking about just looks here.

I do however judge people by how they aren’t making any effort to make their lives better despite being given all the chances they have. Esther and I came to the conclusion that these people are just lazy. They complain about having to do the job they do or complain about the lack of money but yet they never do ANYTHING about it. I mean, the logic is just so odd. If you know the solution, fix it! If you don’t want to fix it, then don’t complain! Life isn’t gonna hand you sweets for complaining. You want the goodies, you work for em.

Fortunately, Ryan thinks that way too. He moved away from home when he was 17 because he couldn’t live with his stepdad. He worked job after job to get himself into art school. He graduated with an arts degree and then eventually got a teaching certificate. Sure, it isn’t glamorous like law, business or medicine. But this is what I respect: a person working to bring himself up despite the difficulties thrown at him. Ryan sustained himself entirely on his jobs, living outside. It’s not an easy thing to do and as such, I have the utmost respect for him.

Ryan works and has his own car. AND his own apartment. He’s so suave and just, knows what to do each time. Feeling down? He’ll whisk me away and distract me from everything here. Tired of being the strong one? He holds me and tells me to let it all out and that he is my pillar of support.

And what a pillar he is. . .my first ex was tall, but I must have forgotten just HOW tall.

This enables him lifting me -yes, lifting ME!- to just kiss me. lol.

We’ve hung out at his apartment before but he’s a perfect gentleman. The worry is that he’d take advantage of me or something. He’s huge -not fat huge but hulky- and I don’t think I’d be able to outwrestle him for anything! lol, not that I’ve tried but this is a conclusion based on mere observation. However, my gentle giant isn’t trying anything funny anytime soon. Hee.

It’s nice to be able to sit down with someone and do nothing but watch TV even. Yesterday we watched Chris Rock’s stand-up comedy show , Kill The Messenger and by gods, is he one of the most intelligent stand-up comedians of our century.

The man may be crude but he tells it as it is. He observes society, points it out for what it is, brings up the things everyone thinks about but never says and makes a joke about it.

Chris Rock, you da man!

And he was a poor man too. Who now owns a house worth millions in New Jersey. His neighbours are Jay Z, Mary J Blige and Eddie Murphy. The only black wealthy folk in da hood.

I was talking to Ryan about how white supremacists need to be all shot down. Thankfully, tho also white, Ryan’s open-minded to everything and is passionate about racial discrimination as well.

Ryan : I don’t get why asians think so greatly of white people. The truth is we all suck. Any race that came up with the atomic bomb needs to be eradicated.

Me : I agree with that. Well, maybe not eradicated but definitely not looked up to. Whatever for? And if you were eradicated, that’d just suck.

Ryan : Why, cuz there’d be no one to cook you dinner on Sunday nights like this?

Me : True. Your cooking beats La Bodega’s tapas any time =D

Ryan tried making kebabs for dinner. It was pretty good, I’ll have to admit. Of course, I got to help with, uh, serving dessert, lol.

Twas then that I realised I just love being hugged from the back <3

*

Yes, Ash is being mushy. But hey, I don’t like telling this to folk and I do wanna let it out somewhere. Otherwise the euphoria could just kill me. Also, I think I’m gonna be a bit more private about this relationship in an effort to not jinx it. I don’t want external pressure wearing down on it.

Today, after uni, he’s gonna come pick me up after work and we’re heading out to dinner again. There’s this awesome place he has yet to try and it serves the most awesome banana-leaf spread in the world. Ryan loves Malaysian food and is always wanting to check out some new place.

I always thought that if I were really seeing someone, I wouldn’t wanna meet said person every single day. But it’s just impossible to not want to be with him. He’s hilarious, whether relaying experiences about art school or just talking about anything really. I can have, intelligent conversation with him and he only gently inserts a flirt or two in between. Maybe this comes with dating a much older and mature man.

He is different. But he’s perfect. Sometimes I just wish I could lay in those arms forever.

Alright, Ash is going to snap out of this blissful daydream now and head back to the reality of life NOW.

: P

 

 

 

: )

July 26, 2009

Ryan said that if I just hang around and wait to move on, I never will. And that I’d only move on if I open my heart to it.

So he asked me to open my heart to him.

I’ve been hurt so much before. So much that when he asked me to be his, I just started to cry.

And then he hugged me and said it was ok, and that I didn’t have to answer him then and there. But no, that wasn’t it.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, and no matter how bad things get, something always falls through and I’d like to think that I do indeed, have that guardian angel I dreamt about in my life, who looks out for me no matter what. For a long time, I had felt abandoned, lost, angry. A whole host of feelings I didn’t dare verbalize or even blog about publicly for the fear of making them more real.

It hurt a lot to think that my ex never respected me enough to be able to tell me that he was moving on. It hurt even more to find out through facebook. It was like nothing of our relationship meant much to him when it meant so much to me.

But things always happen for a reason. That’s what the Gita says.

Maybe, I am meant to hurt so I can appreciate what comes to me when the right one approaches. Some day, I believe I will be happy with someone, who will always be there for me and never hurt me the way previous lovers have.

I told him that it wasn’t that. But that I was scared. And I felt lost and suddenly, it’s like I’ve been saved.

And just like that, he kissed me. Tears and all.

Me : Do you really want this? You know what I’ve been through.  There is a lot of baggage you’re gonna have to deal with here.

Him : Who DOESN’T have baggage? I’m sure I do. I’ve been engaged once. She left me for a DJ. I’m sure you understand how that feels.

Me : Too well, I feel.

Him : We can take this as slow as you want. Tho you’re gonna have to stop crying if that’s the case.

Me : *glares at him* Why?

Him : You look sexy when you cry.

-_-”

Apparently Ryan finds blowfish sexy. Disturbing much?

Well putting his eccentricities aside, I said yes.

We both know relationships never always work out. We both know that we have flaws and that it’ll probably take a lot of work to make it work as well.

But we’ll try all the same.

After all, it should work if two people really do love each other.

: )

Love, is only apparent in our actions. Words are powerful but they can be lies.

Acta non verba.

I wonder if I’ll get any action this time ; ) Getting a kiss itself was very pleasantly surprising :”>

 

 

 

I see you

July 25, 2009

Yeah. You can’t let go can you?

Doesn’t that piano-playing angel of your dreams have a blog you could visit?

You know what’s annoying me? I know that some day, I’m gonna look back at this and because I am who I am, I know I will forgive you.

But you are HARDLY deserving of it. And you’d definitely have to do, oh-so much, to even earn a lil bit of it. For in my eyes, you hold no high regard. Not anymore.

*

On another note, gods I’m exhausted! Who’d have thought salsa dancing could have exhausted one so much?!

One thing I love about my life, tho I do get depressed a lot, that despite the things that happen and the people I get disappointed with, a silver lining always comes about. Was talking to Ryan last night about how sucky things have been. And the dolt suggested salsa dancing to get the euphoria going. Even told him about the depression. It’s nice to see someone who may not care or know me as much but still offer to help and be there.

When a door closes, a window opens elsewhere.

I certainly do agree.

He picked me up from uni once I was done with work and we headed to La Cuba in KL. I had no idea how to get there, plus I was broke flat. But Ryan covered that. A rich friend is most certainly, an upside. After a few glasses of wine -bliss- it was time to dance the weepies away.

Salsa-dancing classes in IMU certainly paid off. And La Cuba is this pub that has a salsa dancing floor where folks meet up to practise. I had no idea the place existed. Passed it a couple of times but just shrugged it off as just your average pub.

The samba and Latin music there is AWESOME! It was fitting that I picked a red dress and heels that weren’t too high. And the added salsa knowledge was a perk - the other couples there were prodancers! Ryan himself wasn’t too shabby. The added height enabled a few fancy twirls, something Gajan was incapable of back in sem 1. Ryan looked pretty awesome himself, in a black dress shirt and slacks to match.

Anyway.

The pub played Bossanova music as well. Bossanova has a rather slow beat to it but is essentially Latin music as well. The romantically-involved couples got up to dance but I’ve never slow-danced in my life before so I said no. However Ryan wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Ryan : You’ve NEVER slow-danced before?

Me : Yeah, I was never with the right one before.

Ryan : You don’t need to be with the right one. And didn’t you tell me you’d like to try something different before you settle down eventually?

Me : Yeah. . .

Ryan : Come on, one slow dance. I won’t take advantage of ya.

I just had to laugh.

So we did it and I must admit, it did feel rather nice. The music was heavenly and the vibe was just, well, it seemed to take everything away. And Ryan was comforting. He also smelt rather nice.

We ended up talking some more. And some more. I didn’t realise there were so many things I didn’t know about him. Or rather, his family.

It felt nice to be able to lay your head on someone’s chest and just move with the music. I think when things get rough, I shall get my partner up and just slow-dance to some Bossanova.

We rounded up the whole experience with some tapas from La Bodega, right outside Cuba. Had another glass of wine and then we headed back to uni.

Upon dropping me off, he stopped his car and got out to walk me to mine.

Ryan : I had a great time tonight.

Me : ; ) Me too. Thanks, for this. I really needed it.

Ryan : I can tell. it’s about time someone treated you right.

Me :  It’s just been bad luck all the way.

Ryan : Well don’t worry. Things will perk up. You had fun tonight, no?

Me : I sure did. Thanks again, Ryan.

Ryan : Twas my pleasure, Ash.

And with that, this suave gentleman swooped down quickly and gave me a peck on my cheek!

Chivalry, is dead these days and Ryan is definitely, being opportunistic.

But to hell with it.

I could do with some pampering.

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna know what it feels like to have friends?

July 23, 2009

 

It feels GREAT.

And just like that, I have so many people coming up to me, asking me what’s wrong.

I love all of you. Thank you so much, to those who messaged over facebook, msn, emailed. I had no idea I meant that much to you all.

Tis now that I pity those who’ll never be able to have this.

Thank you, Big Man. At the end of the day, I’d like to believe you’re real because you always come through for me. Just when it seems the darkest.

I am a lucky girl indeed.

 

No More

 

You promised me a life together
A future in a time much better
You wrote me poetry and sent jewellery
Sanctioning our special bond
A smile from you made my day
Even when things never went my way
We talked of others who weren’t in love
We talked of kids, for us it was enough

I remember that first time we met
Oh how can I forget?
You smiled, blushed and looked away
Twas then I hoped you would stay
Ah memories, how sweet they are
With a tinge of bitterness afloat
To love another we didn’t dare
For others, we had no care

A new scent now beckons
You’ve gone and taken your heart away
She has it now, what can I say?
I guess it never goes my way
True love is hard to come by
So I sit, look on and sometimes cry
Wondering why it never stays
Wondering why it always dies

Thank you

July 22, 2009

 

Whoever it is up there, who’s watching us down here, possibly watching over me. . .

I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for today and thank you for trying to take my mind off things : )

Sure, it didn’t REALLY work,  the bottomless pit in my tummy has yet to disappear. 

But I appreciate the effort indeed. 

So dear Big Man, if you DO exist. . .

Thanks. For today. 

Random thought

 

I do think, that if I died in my sleep tonight or tomorrow or anytime soon, I would not regret it.

I can say that I have experienced enough about life, enough joy, enough pain, enough love, enough sorrow, to be able to walk away from here without ever looking back.

They say that when you’re in love with someone and you grow old together, when one of the couple passes away, the other doesn’t take too long to follow in suit.

I wanted that. But now, I’m never going to be able to get it. 

As such, life and death have no more meaning for me. 

If I die, anytime soon, in my early or midlife, know this.

I will not have regretted it.

As should none of you. 

Goodbye.

Just in case. 

Pain

July 20, 2009

 

I never thought, something as simple as deleting his label off gmail -that holds 85 long conversations btw- would be so painful.