Secrets

May 17, 2009

“We used to be unseparable we couldn’t spend the nights away,”

 I guess this blog is always going to be a place for the most secret of my memoirs. I end up sharing a lot of what I cannot share with anyone in this world. About what I think, what I feel, things I might say that could hurt others, that could cause a cascade of events that might trigger undesirable effects. 

I guess there are some parts of you that you can just never share with anyone. I’ve always been on the search for that one person that I could. I guess if you can never find that in a person, it is in your angel or in God that that solace can be met. 

“Tell me how can I let it go,”

Today my mother divulged in me a past that I doubt I’d have had the strength for to get over. I demonstrated such strength when I was 19 but the thing is, I had no kids involved, a marriage, nothing like that. She had a failed marriage and 3 kids. It would have been worse for her.

Learning all these things about the adults in my family makes me a whole load wiser. It makes me tolerant of the lil things, like when my uncle gets mad at me for wanting to choose my university. I get to see how controlling he is. Yet being the bigger person always adds perspective. 

I think that after my exams, I’m gonna have to spend more time with him. He doesn’t want me to leave, that’s really all there is. I can see that and I suppose I’m supposed to cater to it rather than fight with it. I shall cater it to an extent but somehow, I’ve always known in me that I just have to leave. Not for good but for a little while at least, to get some perspective. 

The prospect of starting a life not here has always excited me. But even those 3 months away from home have taught me that I really do love my family. Despite their shortcomings, fallbacks, they have so many things other families don’t. My sister can be quite a bitch but in her own lil way, she has her loyalty that is unwaivering. She is weak but she isn’t a bad person. I suppoes the way to getting with people is to realise all these things and apply them. Maybe the trick is to realise all these things in people and to just live with it rather than have it changed. 

Sometimes I wish I could just keep the lid on my own thoughts so I wouldnt be too overwhelmed. 

How do I show my love for them yet still be able to maintain my own free will? 

I have to learn to be less emotional.  Maintain that one side of me that is me and yet still make them happy. Because I love them that much, yes. Life could have been harder for me but it isn’t. For that I should be grateful for. 

My poor mother tho paranoid and so illogical at times, not realising her own actions, she’s been through so much. Nothing I’d have liked to put anyone through. Not that kind of emotional torment. And my grandparents, they’ve seen a lot tho undoubtedly still behave like kids. My uncles and aunt are characters all on their own accord. Babumama being the funniest one of the lot, lol. I really love him. I do. In my own way tho he undoubtedly believes I’m a sell-out. 

It used to bother me a lot that he did. But somehow, I don’t think I am. I can’t be a sell-out for having my own mind, no?

So many mistakes I see them make, how I want to correct them. But who’s to say what I want to have done be the right way in going about things?

“Some hearts get all the right things,”

I realised, I want a companion that I can tell all this to. He doesn’t have to look beautiful or drive a huge car or be impressive in the eyes of everyone. If he can be the human being that we all strive to be, the image of an angel even, he could have a fatal disease and I’d still love him. I’d respect him for being the bigger person, for catering to me, for looking after me. Because sometimes, I want break. I really do. And I’d love to have it with this person who can sorta take over for me when need be. 

“You’re the last thing my heart expected . . .”

 I dunno how my mother did what she did. But talking to her today made me realise that there are so many things about me that I need to fix. And there are more experiences in my life to encounter. 

I hope, by grace of some sort, that all of it is something memorable to be learnt from and in a more positive way too.

Thank you for listening, dear blog of substantial heartfelt memoirs.  With this, I stop wallowing and I focus instead on what’s to come this Friday. With grace of some sort, you will help me get through this. Through these exams, through life.

“I’m ready to go,”