To be or not to be?

Ziggy Shahdust was right when she said. . .

“Are you sure you’re meeting up with this friend because you want to see her or because you’re interested in the case her dad has?”

0.0

Sure enough, for one whole hour –and a half- of the 2.5 hours I spent with her. . .we did not stop talking about her dad’s case.

Her father was admitted upon having a suspected case of Chikungunya. Why I find this case particularly unusual and oh-so interesting is because Chikungunya RARELY manifests with neurological symptoms. It’s happened before, with the classic signs being confusion, but it is RARE.

So I probed a little: Describe the confusion, what DID he do, and when did it all start.

• For instance, her dad would talk using the phone upside down. He had forgotten how to SMS. He had also forgotten who her mum was.
• One day, he got hysterical and fidgety and tried to take his clothes off.
• Another day he said he saw paper fluttering by the door when there was nothing there.

So they sent him for an MRI.

They apparently saw two lesions – but they were not foreign, looked more like infarctions.

However as she kept describing the weird things her father was doing, my mind started racking through all the possible things that could happen with a diabetic patient – her dad is diabetic. So my mind led me to some form of diabetic neuropathy as this was nerve-related. Also, it was evident that her father DID know some things and just had trouble interpreting it. Right brain activity was diminished. Something was hindering the brain activity : a mass? Tumour?

But secondary from a pre-existing infection?

Creatinine levels were high indicative of progressing renal damage. It could still be a malignancy or infection at this point.

No biopsies were done because the chances are it was an infection based on the history and so, they did a lumbar puncture.

Until that point, she still hadn’t told me the final diagnosis. But I was thinking, infection, brain, neurological symptoms much later and my mind drifted back to our Microbio module from last sem.

Encephalitis came to mind.

Viral encephalitis.

So I said it. What about an inflammation of the brain? Inflammation leading to compression leading to areas of reduced blood supply leading to those regions of infarction?

 I was right.

Now, the docs need to figure out WHICH virus is causing this. They couldn’t tell from the lumbar puncture even. Known causes would be the Herpes virus, HIV1, Polio, JC virus and the measles virus. Oh and even Rabies.

Maybe I should ask if he got bitten by a dog. Ya never know with these things.

So here was my first insight into being House. Judging from my mock OSCEs, maybe my clinical skills ain’t that good.

I should stick to being a diagnostician. I’ve been right in all my attempts so far.

Perhaps sappy?

Watching something on tv a lil earlier made me realise something.

Also a lil something Ze Pervy Nerd had said to me, on my account of last week’s record-breaking fiasco.

“People make you happy. You get disappointed by them but at the end of the day, if you were alone, you’d be miserable,”

I attribute this epiphany to a lil bout of reflection in my car on the way home from uni.

The woman - tho admittedly an oddball =P - is right.

*

On another note, I need to lose weight.

Yes, I might not get to it. But saying it, reinforcing it even, gives me an odd sense of comfort. I am admitting to a problem and I need to get something done about it. Seeing the lectures today on the articulation of the perfect human body, with the demarcations of the muscles, the smooth curvatures, made me wonder, I wonder what it’d be like to have the perfect human body.

How the hell do you start to get rid of years and years of unhealthy eating and disgusting binging habits?

I dunno, but I’d really like to find out.

I have a problem

I am gadget-obsessed.

I now want a camera.

No. I NEED a camera. The hand-me-down I got is absolute rubbish.

And I can’t depend on my stepdad to get it fixed because let’s face it, the man’s an absolute moron when it comes to getting things done.

This is so bad. I could feed so many starving kids with the cash it takes to buy a camera.

BUT. I. STILL. WANT. ONE.

*cries*

Sha has one. Thali has one. So many people have good ones.

I FRICKIN’ WANT ONE.

I wish I had a rich dad. Who’d pamper me consistently and indulge in my material whims and fancies.

I wish money grew on trees.

I wish. . . I wish I won the lottery.

I hope I win the essay-writing competition.

All just because I want a camera.

Sigh.

PS – The Brown Woman is aware she’s being terribly materialistic and indulgent but bear with her, gadgets rank 2nd in the list of sins/vices she should not indulge in.

PPS – Food bags the #1 spot.

Sigh

Why won’t people ever realise, even those closest to me, that it really really annoys and hurts me when they won’t talk to me and tell me what’s wrong instead.

Confront me. Issues get resolved better, faster and there is no pent-up emotion. One day, all repression will explode and in a way you wouldn’t want it to. That, can be detrimental to any type of human relationship.

Because some words are hard to take back once said.

I always encourage people to think. Think. Communication too requires thinking. Especially, if you intend to form healthy relationships with people.

If you value the relationship I have with you, confront me. Tell me what it is that’s bugging you, what it is I’ve done. And that way, I can learn to not do it again and we can both save ourselves the trouble of getting hurt and upset with each other.

If you value us, confront me.

If you don’t, I can take a hint.

God has a plan

“And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you,”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ve had a pretty productive week.

In just one week, I’ve lost 3 people I hold close to me.

I think I should get a medal for this, don’t you?

Can you heal me?

“If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault. If someone betrays you twice, it’s YOUR fault,”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

So this is what it feels like to be on your own. To not have the backing of family. To not have your people.

It’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow, I’ll tell ya that.

Sitting, waiting, wishing

“Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you’d see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the Lord, no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody don’t make them love you”

Today has been an interesting day. But let me reflect instead on the past few days.

*

I’ve seriously had no time for everyone outside uni. My mind has been all over the place. Hormones been raging through my body in and out and I don’t mean hormones in a sexy way, at ALL. I’m talking about serious, dead-on, heavy-duty PMS. The maniacal kind.

In that process, I’ve been cold to some people I might have been nicer to otherwise.

Also in that process, I’ve lost a friend. But he’s not a friend anymore. He’s a monster.

An oldER friend has tried rekindling something but it’s not working because I really am. not. interested. I have no idea how many times I have to say this. 

*

I now have, a new, fantasticly awesome phone. Why?

For reasons I shall not mention here.

Oh yeah baby. I’m back with Sony and once again, with the Walkman phone.

Again this phone pleases the aesthetically-prizing-buyer –such as your incredibly artistic Brown Woman- and features slim model with a nice metal-casing that gives it a sleek chrome-look. The brown looked awesome too but I was dissuaded by the vendor as apparently that colour wears out faster than silver. Plus although the brown looked classic, this one looked high-tech.

It has AWESOME speakers. And an even more awesome camera. Pictures are so clear and in colour and clarity, it gets top marks. Tis candybar which makes it easier to text while driving *coughs* and it has 3G AND came with a 2gb m2 memory card.

Altogether, it’s one sexy phone. And because it’s a Sony, I shall once more have my mobile blogger feature present which will enable all you Ashyville readers to have more picture-guided insights into my colourful world.

*

We got our results today. I am glad to have passed but in all honesty, that wasn’t what I was aiming for. I was seriously going for an A. But fell like 2 points short of it. A B- is what your Brown Woman got. And she isn’t pleased with herself at all.

I suppose this is a sign. I’ve been panicking about how little I know about Haemato. This is because I haven’t been refreshing my notes after class. I’ve been taking it easy, enjoying this past month, catching up on all social events, campaigning, going out, it’s been just too much. No more will I do this. This time, I have fallen short of my aim. It can’t happen again.

I need to get my mojo back. As such, after tomorrow’s play and that event with Babs on Saturday morning, I will exclude myself from everything else. This weekend will be studying, so will next week even with GI in the picture. Every free moment I get will be devoted to understanding haemato better. I will make time to put my queries up to the lecturers to understand better. I will one day, be an A student. At least once before I leave IMU.

No more taking it easy Ash. No more.

For Doomsday is a-coming.

*

Work with the SRC hasn’t really gotten into full scale yet but as dear Leslie said, we’re slowly beginning to settle into it. It’s been just a week. Well counting tomorrow. I am liking it and at the same time, I shall focus on getting my studies sorted out. My problem these days is that I let my nervousness get to me too much, I end up underperforming. My confidence has hit an all-time low. It’s time I fixed that and learnt not to panic too much. It never has done me any good so far.

*

I really love our lecturers. They know so much. We can just learn so much from them. At the same time, I wish our system was much better in the sense that, we don’t have missed classes and lab sessions and what not. Today we missed a lab session. Thank goodness Dr Sri is kind enough to take us in tomorrow to show us what we missed. Ah the discrepancy that is IMU.

I am going to take more pains to meet with them more to get all my questions sorted out. So blur I am about Haemato

*

I apologise in advance, my dear friends outside of uni, if I don’t seem to be seeing much of you or communicating well enough =( It’s been crazy and it’s only gonna get worse come May-June. I promise to be much more of a friend once my exams are over and done with and I can be sure I’m progressing to a new semester.

Just think about it, the better I am at medicine, the safer you’ll feel should you and your family need any medical assistance in anything! =D

Ok. Ash will shut up as of now.

I shall entertain you lot with pictures from my fantasticly awesome phone =D

I think it’s pretty decent for 3.2mp =D

Funny

For some reason this blog is very well read.

And I have no idea why. 

The traffic is immense. Why?

Most of my posts here are set to private. Because those posts are juicy and not meant for public viewing. 

Those posts are my real diary of sorts.

At any rate, here’s what you folks who read there have been missing. . .

*

“Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm,”

After such a long time, I turn on Linkin Park’s remix of Depeche Mode’s age-old-but-gold number, Enjoy The Silence.

I seem to be getting quite a lot of silence.

It’s just one of those days.

One of those rare moments.

When you sit up in bed, with Luthor on the lap, music a-playing.

And then you reflect.

Biggest mistake, reflecting.

I wish I could say the names. But I can’t. This blog has become much too public already.

So there’s a heffalump who scares me by reading every single thing of me. Then there’s a woozle who won’t stop being a bad-ass. Then there’s a tigger? Cuz she’s the only one.

So who am I?

Vinnie the Pooh of course =P I’m round and cuddly enough!

“In the end, everyone ends up alone,”

So maybe I’m just getting a head start.

“Lying on the floor, surround me,”

Sometimes, I just wish, I had someone who’d know what I’m thinking. I’ve only seen that in just one person so far. And that was a road I never wanna go down again.

“Makes me so damn glad that I’d found you,”

Someone that caters to the wishful thinking that is me, that understands the pain I feel when I see so many things that aren’t right. Someone who just knows, who just knows when to do the right things. When to back off, when to lend a shoulder to cry on.

“No room left to move in between you and I,”

It’s just one of those days. Where hormones and loneliness coupled makes for a good night to turn in early.

It just feels right
I could be seeing things
But you look at me
You just see me
I can’t stay hidden
I think I’m smitten

Keys to the puzzle
I never figured out before
How do I let you know
How can I let this show
Somehow you’re here
Or there but everywhere

It’s always been there
It’s never left
Through all this time
This feeling of mine
In this heart of stone
You’re just never gone

                                                                                                               - Ash

Why?

Why do you know me so well?

Why is it you?

Why are you the only one who can? 

I don’t want it to be you. I really don’t. 

I want this from someone else. You have no right to me.

No right at all.